Change Hurts: How to Lead Through Loss, Not Logic
Wise leaders don’t fight resistance—they honor the losses people experience
Thank you for all the thoughtful emails about last week's article on resistance. Many of you wanted more. This week I'm exploring the deeper psychology behind that resistance—specifically, why change feels like loss.
The merger of two ad agencies was meant to be a perfect match. One agency was known for creating exciting ad campaigns, while the other had built strong, long-term client relationships. On paper, combining their strengths made sense.
The creative agency would offer bold, award-winning ideas that got people talking. The other agency would bring in loyal clients, generating sustainable, long-term growth.
But in reality, it was a match made in hell, not heaven.
Just three months after the merger, the rivalry was undeniable. Creative teams would develop breakthrough campaigns, only to watch account managers subtly kill them in secret client calls. Each side was withholding critical information, and instead of working together, they were trying to prove to clients that they were better than the other.
When I conducted culture mapping sessions with both teams, I discovered the real problem. It wasn’t that they disliked each other’s work style—they were mourning a profound loss of identity.
For more than ten years, each agency had defined itself by showing that they were different from the other.
The acquisition didn’t just merge two companies but two identities. It killed the narrative that made each team feel successful and special.
Why Change Becomes a Loss
Leaders live in the future, while people’s identities are anchored in the present and past.
Leaders get excited about big plans, next quarter’s results, and the long-term strategic vision. They think about new skills to develop, markets to conquer, and ways to beat competitors.
But most people live in the present. Their sense of worth comes from their current job title, the reputation they’ve built, their hard-earned expertise, and the relationships they’ve nurtured.
The more passionately leaders talk about the future, the more irrelevant people feel in the present. Every mention of future opportunities reminds them that they’re becoming obsolete. Every vision of tomorrow questions the value of their achievements.
Losing something hurts about twice as much as gaining something good. Research by Kahneman and Tversky explains this phenomenon, known as loss aversion, which makes us work harder to avoid losses than to achieve equal gains. This is just how our brain works.
During a reorganization, people worry about more than just keeping their jobs. They wonder what will happen to teammates they trust and rely on. These are the people they’ve fought battles alongside. When new technology arrives, they’re not thinking about efficiency—they’re grieving the expertise that made them the go-to person.
While you’re promoting future benefits, they’re feeling today’s losses. And the present always feels more real than the future.
This is why many change efforts fail even when they deliver precisely what leaders promised. You can’t logic someone out of loss. You can’t spreadsheet your way to healing grief. And PowerPoint presentations won’t persuade people to abandon their professional identity.
The more you push the benefits of change, the more people retreat into defending what they value. You end up creating the very resistance you’re trying to overcome.
The solution isn’t fighting their grief. Instead, build a bridge that preserves and amplifies what people value while connecting it to the future. Focus on reframing a loss into a win.
How to Reframe Loss into Opportunity
Wise leaders don’t fight resistance—they reframe that loss as growth. I’m not endorsing manipulation here. This is about showing genuine empathy: meeting people where they are, understanding their feelings, and connecting what they value from the past to new possibilities.
Here are the five most common losses that block change (and how to address them).
Loss of Competence: “Everything I Know Is Useless Now”
What it looks like: People avoid using new systems and keep finding reasons to stick with the old way. They delegate tasks to younger colleagues who “get this tech stuff.” Most stay very quiet in meetings about new processes.
What’s really happening: They don’t want to let go of practices they’ve mastered or risk being seen as incompetent or replaced by others. They’d rather appear resistant than risk making mistakes that expose how lost they are.
How to reframe:
Normalize the discomfort: “It’s okay to feel awkward at first—everyone does when learning something new.”
Highlight skills that transfer: Point out which capabilities still matter in the new system or reality.
Abandon mental fossils: People first need to unlearn old mental models before they can acquire new ones.
Create quick wins: Focus on achieving simple tasks. The more progress they make, the bigger their confidence grows.
Celebrate progress: Share metrics and stories that keep momentum going.
Loss of Control: “This Is Being Done to Me”
What it looks like: People try to join every planning meeting and demand to see the full analysis behind decisions. They become hyper-focused on small things, trying to change the course even after the train has left the station.
What’s really happening: They feel powerless when changes affect their work without their input. They lose control over their daily environment.
How to reframe:
Set clear boundaries: Explain what’s already decided and why, then focus on what they can still influence.
Offer meaningful choices: Let them help shape implementation details or set timelines.
Tap into their wisdom: “What problems might come up that only someone with your experience would notice?”
Create visible feedback loops: Demonstrate how their contributions shape decisions.
Loss of Status: “I’m Becoming Irrelevant”
What it looks like: People subtly undermine new approaches while pretending to support them. They highlight problems that only they can solve. They become more territorial than ever, as if their life depends on it.
What’s really happening: When leaders praise and praise the new approach, they accidentally suggest the old system—and the people who created it—are inadequate.
How to reframe:
Acknowledge their contributions: Publicly praise their achievements and connect them to current success.
Make them legacy stewards: Give them responsibility for preserving important insights during the transition.
Bridge past and future: Assign formal roles connecting old processes to new systems.
Create dual mentorship: Pair experienced staff with newcomers so everyone learns from each other.
Loss of Belonging: “We’re Losing What Made Us Special”
What it looks like: People talk about “the good old days.” They resist adopting outsiders’ practices, worried that the team will lose its magic touch.
What’s really happening: They’ve built relationships and meaning around specific ways of working that created bonds and made work feel like a community.
How to reframe:
Codify non‑negotiables: Work together to list traditions, values, and practices that will be preserved.
Design team rituals: Develop shared experiences that support new ways of working.
Celebrate uniqueness: Show how their team’s style can strengthen, not hinder, the change.
Preserve team identity: Let them adapt the change to fit their team’s personality and strengths.
Loss of Narrative: “This Isn’t How Things Should Be”
What it looks like: People seem confused about big shifts in narrative—like being told to collaborate with former competitors. They question why change is necessary when current methods make perfect sense to them.
What’s really happening: The stories we tell ourselves shape our identity. Every team, intentionally or not, creates its own narrative about how the world works, what behaviors are rewarded, and who to trust. When the narrative changes, people feel lost. They’re unsure of what their new role is.
How to reframe:
Connect to a bigger purpose: Link changes to the core mission and why it matters.
Acknowledge the context shift: Share how market forces make the old story less effective today—what used to work no longer serves us.
Preserve core principles: Demonstrate how their fundamental values about good work remain relevant.
Write the next chapter together: Define what legacy looks like in the new context.
Honor the Grief to Make Change Work
Right now, someone in your organization is probably resisting change. How you respond in the next few minutes will determine whether you understand their loss or deepen their resistance.
When you push harder against their objections, you’re fighting basic human nature. When you dismiss their concerns or treat them as irrational, you’re ignoring what research shows us about how people handle loss.
The issue was never their attitude. They want evolution, not to be replaced. They need you to listen to their grief, not lecture them about what they’ll gain. They want to help build the bridge between past and future, not watch someone burn it all down.
Next time someone resists your change initiative, don’t reach for more facts and figures. Ask yourself: What are they afraid of losing? How can you acknowledge that loss? And what benefits might they gain that they don’t see yet?
Stop fighting their feelings of loss. Respect them instead.
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