You Don’t Manage Behavior. You Manage Intent.
A behavioral-science look at why we misjudge our colleagues' intentions, and a simple practice to see them clearly.
We get triggered by even the smallest things people do. Our minds jump to conclusions. We think we know why. But we’re often wrong. The motive we choose fits our story, but that doesn’t make it right.
The first time I watched Marc Cucurella play at the World Cup, I was impressed. Spain was pressing, and this guy ran nonstop, in every direction. But something else caught my attention. We had a brutal summer in the US, and his wild mane kept bouncing around his face the whole time.
“Look at that guy,” I told my wife. “It’s so hot. How can he play with that hair?”
My wife knew better. She’d read an article about why Cucurella keeps his hair long: he has an autistic son. His mane helps the child spot his dad among 22 players. My assumption felt cheap. This wasn’t just a hair choice. Cucurella’s look was more meaningful than that.
And the story gets more interesting. While researching this article, I found out that claim was unverified. Yes, Cucurella’s son is autistic, and he and his partner openly talk about Mateo often while raising awareness of autism. But his iconic hairstyle actually dates back to his youth soccer days. His mother encouraged him to keep his hair long so she could recognize him.
The same hair, three stories: mine, the internet’s, and the truth. That’s what we do with people. We judge their behavior through our own beliefs. We respond to our narrative, not what drives them.
Your Beliefs Write The Story
We’re quick to judge other people’s behavior. Assuming intent feels easy. Being accurate is a different conversation. In fact, research shows we can’t even read the people we know well.
Ask any married couple how well they know each other, and you’ll hear a confident yes. But Nicholas Epley wasn’t so sure. With colleagues, he tested that assumption with couples who had been together for an average of ten years. Each partner had to predict their spouse’s response to a series of statements. For example: “I would like to spend a year in London or Paris,” “I would rather spend a quiet evening at home than go out to a party,” or “We’re heavily in debt.”
Participants compared their guesses with what their partners actually believed. Everyone was confident they’d gotten at least 13 of the 20 statements right. They only got five.
“The problem with our inferences about others is not incompetence, but hubris. We tend to think we understand each other better than we actually do,” Epley explains.
Ten years in a relationship, and we all feel like experts on our couples. We’re not. Familiarity doesn’t mean knowledge. If we’re wrong about the person we share a bed with, consider the people we work with. Sharing a few meetings a week, message threads, or projects doesn’t mean we understand our colleagues’ intent. We don’t know them. We just like to think that we do.
Leaders continually evaluate, even judge, team members based on assumptions. They rush to decide who’s committed and who’s slacking. And they rarely check whether they’re right, because they don’t ask. You can’t lead people assuming intent.
Manage Behavior, Not Intent
Confidence doesn’t mean you truly understand someone. It’s just a sign you stopped questioning your assumptions.
Think about someone on your team who recently missed a deadline or made a mistake. What was your immediate reaction? We often assign a reason without talking to the person. We know why: They’re lazy, they don’t care, they’re difficult.
But we didn’t witness any of that. Someone dropped the ball. That’s the only fact. Everything else is a verdict built on assumptions that feel true.
Senior executives often complain to me about team members, and sometimes peers. What upsets them is rarely the behavior itself. It’s the intent they assign to it. They usually don’t know why someone made a mistake or delivered work that, by their standards, wasn’t “good enough.” My first move is to challenge the story they’re telling themselves. Yet when I ask whether they’ve actually spoken to the person, whether they validated the reason, most say no.
Conflict isn’t driven by the issue itself. At work, what escalates conflict is the narrative we build around it, and then defend as if our lives depend on it.
That’s the biggest mistake we make with people at work: we don’t manage behavior. Instead, we manage the intent we assign to others’ actions. The same effort can make you a star or a suspect, depending on your boss.
Researchers found that managers respond differently to people going above and beyond depending on the motive supervisors attributed to it. An employee stays late, covers a shift, or volunteers for a project no one wants. One supervisor sees someone genuinely helping the team. Another sees someone playing politics and trying to impress the boss.
The boss’s assumption shaped what employees did next. When people believed their supervisor saw their help as self-promotion, they stopped going the extra mile. They retreated back to a “this is not my job” mentality.
That’s why I remind my clients to manage behavior, not intent. When Epley invited couples to ask their partners about their beliefs, their accuracy jumped. The answer is never in our guesses. It lies in the other person.
Stop Guessing. Find the Real Reason.
Moving from a guess to the real reason takes two things: challenge your own narrative and ask better questions.
Here’s a two-part exercise to help you do both. I run a team version as well, but it requires strong facilitation. Otherwise, the results will fall flat, or even backfire.
Step 1: Challenge your narrative
Think of one person who frustrated you recently. Write down your assumption. Not just what they did but why you think they did it. Don’t filter. I know it’s not easy, but the first thing that comes to mind is usually our most honest answer.
Then challenge your assumptions with a question. Uncover another reason that could also be true:
“They’re lazy” becomes “Maybe they’re overwhelmed?”
“They don’t care” becomes “Maybe they stopped believing anyone would listen?”
“They’re difficult” becomes “Maybe they’re seeing something you’re not?”
The first reason is often judgmental and wrong. There’s always another reason. Letting go of overconfidence makes it easier to explore possibilities.
Step 2: Surface the real intent
Reading this article won’t change how you see your colleagues. Having a forward talk will.
The goal is to learn the beliefs driving their choices: what they protect, the pressure they carry, and what feels unacceptable by their standards. Once you surface those, you’ll stop thinking their behavior is “careless” or “selfish.”
These questions help get you there:
What do people get wrong about your role?
What do people misunderstand about your work style?
What pressure are you under that others may not see?
What’s non-negotiable for you at work?
What tradeoff makes your job more difficult?
What belief guides you when the team disagrees?
What do you think we’re getting wrong as a team?
Unpack the answers and keep them present. The next time someone frustrates you, take a deep breath. Instead of assuming intent, see their actions through their lenses, not yours.
Lead the Person, Not the Narrative
I assigned meaning to Cucurella’s hair, and I was wrong. I just didn’t know the actual motive behind his hairstyle. I didn’t bother to find out either.
We do the same at work every day. We watch a colleague do something and react, not to the facts but to our assumptions. Our narrative drives our reaction.
As a leader, focus on managing behavior, not intent. Respond to what people do (or don’t), not your guess. And when in doubt, ask why?. Don’t judge people through your assumptions. Instead, learn to see their behavior through their lens: the beliefs that shape their choices.